Can you believe it’s already 2019?! Will it be a year full of well-paid teaching jobs and international residencies, or will toe fungus bother you incessantly? Will you finally be granted serious funding, or will your choreographic arch nemesis soil your good name by posting embarrassing videos of you on Instagram? What can you do to lean fate your way? We’ve carefully read the planets and deciphered what is written in the stars for dance artists everywhere. Find out your dance horoscope for 2019 and start the New Year right!
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Oh Aries, if only you could turn. 2019 will be a bad year for you if you don’t figure out how to spin three times consecutively without feeling dizzy. Our advice? Centrifugal therapy.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Are you a competitive dancer, Taurus? If not, you should be! 2019 is the year of crushing your competition. Apply for grants randomly, show up unprepared at conventions, enter “So You Think You Can Dance.” Fate is on your side!
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
2019 is looking bleak for you, Gemini. It might be a good time to hide out in one of those rural nature-filled dance residencies and pretend you’re getting inspired by watching grass grow.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
You have a propensity for weird injuries, Cancer, and it’s only going to get worse in 2019. Falling off the couch, tripping on rugs; you just aren’t coordinated. We suggest 2019 be the year you get into butoh!
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
2019 is looking good for you on the grant front, Leo! You’ll move from getting $2-3K grants to receiving $9-10K grants, still putting you solidly below the poverty line, but at least you’ll have bragging rights!
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Don’t rent that 700-seat theater and book the symphony in 2019, Virgo. Go for the 75-seat black box and edit your sound on GarageBand. It’s written in the stars you’ll have low audience turnout.
Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
This coming year, the perfect dance partner will come into your life, Libra. Your movements and energies will feel so in sync, you’ll want to date this person. Every sign in the universe points to this being a bad idea.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
Poor Scorpio. Your ruling planet, Pluto, has fated 2019 be the year your social media gets hacked by a Russian with bad choreographic taste and you lose all your followers. Better luck next year!
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
2019 is a good year to go on tour, Sagittarius. You’ll get good reviews and full houses wherever you go. However, the planets strongly advise against going anywhere that starts with the letter “S.”
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
Whatever you do, don’t start a new diet in 2019, Capricorn. At some point, unbeknownst to you, the stars will send a big-time presenter your way who will judge your artistic merit solely on your appetite.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Tired of being passed up for opportunities, Aquarius? This year, your luck will change. However, since your element is air, you’ll probably decide you need to “find yourself first” and turn down everything offered.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Always last, eh Pisces? In 2019, you’ll be first to get offered an exciting new performance opportunity. Make it count; don’t show that boring or depressing stuff like you usually do.
Happy New Year! No matter what 2019 brings, remember to keep moving and grooving!