BY EMMALY WIEDERHOLT; ILLUSTRATIONS BY MAGGIE STACK
Last year, we squared away with our readers, giving you the straight up answers to the questions you’ve always wanted to know. This year, we thought we’d answer more of your dire questions: Should you enroll your daughter in dance classes? How can you improve your turns? How do you snag lead roles? We answer all that and more. Just remember, we are not legally responsible for what might come from following our advice.
Q: I want to put my daughter in dance classes, but I don’t want her to develop a negative body image. What alternatives are there?
A: Your daughter is a girl, right? Good luck getting her to age 10 without a negative body image, regardless of if you put her into dance classes. Your best bet is to throw her into a competitive ballet academy environment. At best, she’ll rise to the top and do product endorsements like Misty Copeland. At worst, she’ll develop a mild eating disorder for a few years before dropping out of dance and keeping the mild eating disorder. Either way, she’ll at least be able to do the splits.
A: I could give you a bunch of nonsense about pulling up and spotting, but basically some dancers have a better inner ear than others… if you can swipe a few 20s from your parents’ wallet, I know a guy who knows a guy who does experimental inner ear surgeries. But hey, this is totally off the record. If anyone asks, you didn’t hear it from me.
A: Have you tried sleeping with the director? If he’s gay (or, in the unlikely event, female), sleep with someone on the board! If history has taught us one thing, it’s that no one gets to the top just by working hard. The keys to success are seduction and contraception!
A: No. The best thing to do is to hang old show posters and photos of yourself doing poses you’ll never achieve again, tell fantastical stores about your lead roles, and become an over-bearing teacher who lives vicariously through students. Also, always wear your hair in a bun, lest anyone doubt you were once a true dancer!
Hope that helps answer all your burning questions! Good luck out there!