The Bunion: The Nutcracker… or The Prune Juicer
BY EMMALY WIEDERHOLT; DRAWINGS BY MAGGIE STACK
Ah, the beloved Nutcracker, that clichéd of clichéd ballets. Only this year Sunsweet Growers is sponsoring your local Nutcracker, and it won’t be quite the holiday classic you remember.
Here’s the basic synopsis: Clara’s parents throw a nondenominational holiday party. The guests drink and dance, the kids play. Drosselmeyer shows up with a special gift for his favorite little girl and it’s… A PRUNE JUICER??? It’s got special powers, he tells her. Your bowels will stay healthy forever!
The rest of the ballet goes downhill from there. The other children don’t get jealous, Fritz doesn’t steal it and break it, and it certainly doesn’t grow life size and fight off rats in the middle of the night. Clara does fall in love with it though after a night eating too many beans…
According to The American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons, around eighty percent of Americans experience constipation at some point in their lives. Eighty percent! Are nuts solving that problem? I think not! The Prune Juicer is the perfect blend of classical ballet and health awareness campaign. It’s short (thirty minutes tops). It’s sweet (prune juice, yum!). And it’s got a good moral: drink your prune juice or suffer the fate of bad bowels. Clara’s not suffering, so why should you?
Coming soon to a ballet company near you!
Drawings by Maggie Stack